So, I know this is a bit off topic, but it's on my mind at the moment and I thought this could be a place where we'd struggle together as a group. We were talking about creating a safe environment to struggle in and I think it could start here.
That being said ... here we go.
I find myself at an impasse. I want to say that I hate Christians ... however, one of the main reasons I feel that way is due to the hatred displayed by so many Christians. How am I any different if I hate the hater for their hatred. I've found myself in the past few days fantasizing about leaving the church all together. Make no mistake, I'm not talking about leaving or abandoning the faith or my relationship with God/Jesus. I am talking about just whole heartedly dumping those self-righteous, noncommittal, uncaring, judgmental, and all together unsavory people I've come to know as the Christian "community."
I'm not saying that how I feel is appropriate, I am saying it's how I feel. I put so much time, energy, and money into a group of people that seem to care nothing for me. I'm viewed as immature, unworthy, and even potentially dangerous. I'm tired of fighting for the approval of a group of people who were set out to hate me from the start.
The issue now is this. How can I say this? How can I feel this way without being exactly what I hate so much? How can I turn and do something different without inherently judging the Christian community by such an act?
I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "Wage Love." It broke my heart and made me joyous all at the same time. That to me is exactly how I want to live my life. I think more important than attending church, or reading my bible, or even praying, is the ability to "Wage Love" on the people around me.
Let's find those stickers and all display them proudly. I feel like that is the best advice I have heard in a while. And isn't it funny that other religions have been doing that for centuries??? Look at Confucianism...look at mainstream Islam...look at atheist's, for pete's sake, who love abundantly...its all around us! For some reason, 'Christians' seem to have it all wrong..."first you have to be good enough to earn God's love, then I might consider loving you...but only if the Spirit leads me too. We can't have any hint of impropriety after all, now can we???"
ReplyDeleteGag me. And scratch my name off of whatever list that crap has associated me with. I will have nothing to do with it.
So what if love is messy, or painful, or risky? As best as I can remember, Jesus loved messy, pain inflicting, riske people first and foremost. So don't judge those of us christians trying to do it in our own way, with our own flare.
Take that, world.
I can say I have a similar struggle. I want so desperately to have a place to go to grow and be and struggle and fall and love and fail and rise again. I feel like I was close to having that at one point and, as I was approaching it, it was taken from me. I feel like I've legitimately fought for so long for that cause and was not only ignored but actually rebuked for my efforts. And now, months later, I feel almost completely defeated. I still want that which I described earlier. Desperately. I just find it more and more difficult to keep showing up and watching it all wash away.
ReplyDeleteOn one hand, I find it difficult to stop shielding myself from future rebuke... to stop future pain for the sake of what I see as the right thing. On the other I see myself as cowardly for allowing that to keep me silent. As if this cause isn't one that is without its own pain.... I just never thought it should be coming from the places that I find it coming from. I'm finding the battle is with the very people who should be covering us as we fight for what could truely be an amazing thing.
I guess, ultimately, the dominant states of being that I'm experiencing regarding all of this are frustration, desperation, and bitterness. Obviously, in a lot of ways, this is due to my own baggage.
I know what the right steps are, I'm just so reluctant to take them again.
Wow, I am behind the times on this whole blog thing... For me, I am also uncertain how much of my distaste for Christians is based in reality, and how much is based upon my own personal interpretations of other Christians' behavior, which may or may not be grounded in my own baggage and therefore faulty... See the problem?? I simply cannot feel something without second guessing its "rightness"; therefore, I find myself unable to assert anything with confidence or intelligence. I am perfectly able to articulate it, yet reluctant to own it as truth. That being said, recently I am realizing that the people who have hurt me the most have done so while literally claiming that their actions and choices have arisen out of their personal convictions from God Himself. This has caused me to distance myself whole heartedly from people, the church, and ultimately God-- because if everyone else can do awful things based on conversations they are having with Him, then I want no part of Him, or them- and since I cannot judge whether their relationships with God or right or wrong, who am I to say that God ISN'T telling them this crap? And if He IS, then He is a very scary entity indeed... So, I am just confused, and the easiest thing is to just absent myself from all of it-- sometimes God Himself, but at this point mostly just His people, His Church, His catch phrases, etc. It all feels like a huge fad movement designed to help people justify their own behavior in whatever direction they can find a Bible verse to support. I am trying really hard to find a way to still love God and at least a few of my favorite people who happen to call themselves His followers, while being unable to trust either Him, them, or myself. So far I'm not having much luck with this balancing quest, but there you have it...
ReplyDelete"but at this point mostly just His people, His Church, His catch phrases, etc. It all feels like a huge fad movement designed to help people justify their own behavior in whatever direction they can find a Bible verse to support."
ReplyDeleteOMG HELLS YES!!!! I have felt like this for years! Thank you so much for articulating this for me. It's one of the reasons that I hate it when people quote scripture to me. I think the next time the group is together I'd like to pray about this stuff. Let's pray that God would restore our relationships and views of Him despite the people who claim to be following Him. :-) Love you Bonnie, thanks for putting that in to words for us.